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Oh so true!

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Oh so true!

Post  GrumpyBodger on Fri Feb 19, 2010 7:03 pm

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing seats, motorcycle jackets, vinyl records, liquids
in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear
wheel.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles,
they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket
you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you
to say, "F...."

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you
have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front wing (fender).

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds
them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
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GrumpyBodger
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Re: Oh so true!

Post  andyhodg on Fri Feb 19, 2010 11:31 pm

Very good John.

The dammit tool rings very true. Many years ago whilst working in the engine room of a large ship I threw a 4" AF spanner (yes 4 inches!) across the engine room narrowly missing the Chief Engineer who just happened to appear arond a corner is the spanner flew past him. A mere apprentice one can imagine the the problems that then ensued.

Ypour tool guide was good for a laugh.

Thank you

Andy
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andyhodg
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Re: Oh so true!

Post  GrumpyBodger on Sat Feb 20, 2010 11:45 am

andyhodg wrote:Very good John.

The dammit tool rings very true. Many years ago whilst working in the engine room of a large ship I threw a 4" AF spanner (yes 4 inches!) across the engine room narrowly missing the Chief Engineer who just happened to appear arond a corner is the spanner flew past him. A mere apprentice one can imagine the the problems that then ensued.

Ypour tool guide was good for a laugh.

Thank you

Andy

Life itself is the biggest Cartoon/Joke ever; that's what makes it so much fun, even if only in retrospect.
Thanks for your story Andy, I think we all have one or two to tell.

Cheers
John
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Re: Oh so true!

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